


The splinter inside me

by bulletwithbutterflywings



Series: The things I never told you [2]
Category: Professional Wrestling, World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, a lot of unconfessed confessions that are evntually confessed, ambrollins - Freeform, but at least i didn't quote classic literature this time, i can't believe i also quoted casablanca, i'm just tryin to cope in my own way k, please don’t think I have a kink for crying!seff, super self indulgent as usual, this is very sad btw don't @ me, very gay reactions also
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-02-27 07:03:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18734032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bulletwithbutterflywings/pseuds/bulletwithbutterflywings
Summary: ❛Sometimes the people who break your heart are the only ones who can put it back together.❜Timeline:Post-Raw 11 February 2019, soon after the show.





	The splinter inside me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fanny_Infinity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanny_Infinity/gifts).



> This oneshot is dedicated to my best friends Eleonora and Giulietta, who will be probably the ones to read it.  
> A special thanks goes to [rocknrolleigns](https://archiveofourown.org/users/simpleandpure22/pseuds/rocknrolleigns) for being my precious beta reader.
> 
> The title was inspired by the beautiful [_Winter_ by Joshua Radin](https://youtu.be/F4dE4_CeavY).

The air is cold outside the arena, and Seth has been freezing his ass on those stairs for almost an hour. His mind is still dizzy from earlier, when he witnessed something he didn't believe he would ever see anymore.

He hates the way he is always reduced to an emotional wreck in these occasions, but he can’t fight it, it’s just stronger than him. He dealt with Dean and his pointless war for months, putting his own targets aside to try and find a reason, or just something - maybe a feeble hope - to hold onto, but eventually he had to give up... he couldn't waste his life anymore with struggles that didn't bring him anywhere but down a dark hole.

Two years earlier it was worth it, though. He fought against his pride, against his own self, to show Dean he was another person and gain his respect back, and Dean finally let him in his life again; and since then, nothing could stop him anymore from thinking it would only get better for the two of them. But Dean’s injury proved him wrong, and the happiness of his comeback after nine months now felt like a soft, vanishing dream before a rough awakening.

And then, after all the mess, after all the pain they had inflicted to each other again, after wearing and destroying him completely inside out, right in the middle of his feud with Brock Lesnar, Ambrose just stepped in the ring before his own match to wish him good luck for Wrestlemania, as if nothing ever happened.

He always thought Dean had a special talent for messing up with his feelings, and he felt it was particularly true now that he was rumoured to leave the company soon. Seth doesn't even know what the hell he is doing out there in that cold winter night after the show, or what he is exactly expecting, but he is waiting for him to come out and confront him one last time.

 _Slay the Beast_ … that single sentence is still echoing in his head. He knows that fucker better than anyone else among the roster. Even better than Roman. And those three words sounded painfully like a farewell he wasn't ready to hear yet.

The emergency backdoor clicks suddenly while Seth is completely lost in his thoughts, making him flinch. He peeks from the side at the ghostly figure coming out of it with subtly footsteps: that black hoodie could deceive anyone but Seth Rollins.

Ambrose catches him sitting in the shade out of the corner of his eye. The Iowan tries to look chill, despite his chest is literally exploding under the pressure of his heartbeat.

\- Hey - he addresses him, with a forced smile on his face.

Dean checks him out quickly, and silently nods in response while he keeps walking towards the parking lot. He’s not surprised to see him there after their exchange in the ring, but he feels like he doesn't have anything to add to his previous discourse.

\- Congrats on your win tonight – Seth says again, trying to catch his attention. Not that he cares much about his weird feud with EC3, but that seems a reasonable way to him to engage in a conversation with the guy who attempted to end his career a hundred times in the last three months.

The blond stops for a moment and rolls over, swaying with his hands in the pockets of his black jacket, the crooked smirk Seth knows so well flashing on his face.

\- Yeah… looks like that jerk didn't know he was fucking with the wrong dude – he mumbles awkwardly.

Seth has barely the time to smile back, because the other is already on his way to the car. But he can’t let him go. Not this time. He stands up, and in a last desperate attempt he asks him abruptly:

\- Is it true?

Direct, sharp, straight to the point. It’s the only way to get to Dean, a lesson he has learnt long ago. And he is right, because the blond freezes suddenly in the middle of the street, and turns again towards him.

They don’t have to mention it. Dean knows exactly what Seth is talking about.

\- Yes – is his reply, as dry as Seth’s question.

The Iowan feels his stomach clench, because deep down himself he truly wished it was only a rumour. He can’t believe Dean decided for real to leave the company. He can’t think of his own career to run on a different rail from Ambrose’s, not even after what happened during the last year: their lives are inevitably intertwined at this point, he can’t just get used to do without him from now on.

\- What… what will you do now?

Again, he is trying to get answers from Dean, as if what happened until then hasn't taught him anything. But  _he needs_  those answers so desperately, now more than ever.

Dean smiles again, a shade of sadness crossing his face.

\- What I’ve done for my entire life: wrestling sweaty half-naked dudes for glory.

It’s something Ambrose would typically say after all, yet it catches Seth off guard: he lowers his eyelids and lets out a genuine laugh, and so Dean joins him, in a way Seth hasn’t seen in a long while.

They keep staring at each other in silence for a good bunch of seconds as their laughters start fading, losing themselves in their gazes. And then, Seth breaks the ice again:

\- Where will you go?

The blond approaches him slowly and rests one arm on the railing next to the stairs, where the other is still standing.

\- Where my heart will take me, I guess… - he says, elusive as usual.

\- Your heart… - Seth sighs loudly with a sad smirk, emphasizing those two words. – It led you here eight years ago. Right in front of me.

 _Eight years_. Was it that long already? Dean never stopped for a second to think about that, but it was true. Eight years of rivalry, brotherhood, friendship, love, and bloody wars. Eight years of back and forth in which none of them was able to let go of each other, whatever their relationship status was. As a matter of facts, Seth Rollins had been the wildest ride of his life so far.

\- Yeah, you’re right – he sighs back. – I signed with this company because I wanted to fight  _the best_. But I kept doing it for so long that I’m kinda done with it by now.

Seth swallows hard: a punch in the stomach would have been less painful.

\- It could have been different this time, Dean. We didn’t have to fight… we could have solved things otherwise, but you didn’t even try! – he bursts out, his eyes watering as he starts to get too emotional.

Here they are again. They’ve been there so many times at this point that Dean cannot even recall them all; and every time it happened, he just ran away, bringing with him every semblance of reasonableness. He knows he owes Seth that explanation, once and for all, and this may be his last opportunity to settle up.

He takes his hoodie off and sits on the stairs, his arms falling onto his thighs under the imaginary weight of what he is about to say.

\- You know… since the day I came back, there was something that didn’t feel right. I couldn’t tell whether it was me, or the long isolation I went through during my rehab, or the fact that I was suddenly thrown in the middle of a war that wasn’t mine… I just started feeling I didn’t belong to this place anymore.

Seth slowly sits back at his side, holding his breath, his eyes locked on his ex teammate.

\- I don’t know when it actually started, but at some point this shitty feeling turned into a noise in my head… at first it was just a buzz, a background annoyance if you will. But day by day, as things went further with all the stuff goin’ on, it became louder, and louder, and louder. Until it came the day I wasn’t able to hear anything but that deafening noise. And then, my world went black all of a sudden the moment Roman announced his retirement.

He rubs his face with his palms, as if he wants to wash those memories away from himself. And the more Seth listens to him, the more his heart breaks in pieces; but at the same time, it’s all bringing up again what he had to go through, and nothing of it makes sense to him yet.

\- But why did you act as if it was my fault? I would be there for you ‘til the end of time and you knew it!

\- Yes, Seth, I knew it – Dean replies calmly, turning his face towards him. – That’s exactly why I did what I did.

It’s like an arrow to Seth’s chest. He wasn’t expecting to hear anything like that.

\- I… I don’t understand…

The blond sighs loudly, as if he is trying to recollect all of his thoughts together after a long time.

\- There is just one thing I wasn’t lying about, the night I burnt my vest, and it’s the fact that the Shield made me weak. I mean... finally I had something I really cared about in my life, and someone I would die for. But caring so much for someone can be both your salvation and a chink in your armour at the same time…

\- Yeah… a ‘burden’, right? – Seth retorts sarcastically, quoting the promo the other was referring to. He kept blaming himself for years for using that word against his brothers back in the days, that’s why he can’t forget the sorrow he felt when Dean did the same.

\- No – Dean replies firmly. – I wasn’t talking about you and Roman when I said that... the burden I was actually talking about  _was me_.

Seth frowns, his heart beating like a battle drum:

\- How could you be a burden to us? You were out there with me to save Roman from Strowman's cash-in, and if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have won the intercontinental championship again! And when we held together the tag team belts for the second time, I felt like I was holding two tag titles won by your side… I became double champion again only because of you, Dean!

Ambrose lowers his head, shaking it with a resigned smile. There are two important things he learnt in his life: don’t get drunk before a Hall Of Fame ceremony, and never fall in love with your teammate if his name is Seth Rollins.

\- Ya see?  _This_  is your problem, Seth: you think you became champion because of me.

The Iowan swallows, his eyes glued to Dean’s lips while he goes on with his stream of consciousness.

\- When Roman had to relinquish the universal title, I fucking knew you would never go after it, because you were too invested in playing 'happy tag team boyfriends' with me. You were so concerned by our brotherhood that you couldn't even think about us taking different routes anymore. I didn't want this for you when I came back, Seth. I wanted you to feel stronger by my side, not weaker... I didn't want to become  _that kind_  of weakness to you… do you understand now?

But Seth is still too confused to see the full picture yet.

\- Dean, I…

The sentence dies on his lips, though, because this is the day the Ohioan has decided he will unfold all his unspoken truths.

\- You know… three years ago, when I cashed in on you and took the title soon after your win, I thought I would feel great… it was all I wanted for me since we started to fight, right? I mean, I finally had my long awaited vengeance, I had redeemed my honour, I had satisfied my pride, and all that stuff... – he pauses briefly to look into Seth’s eyes - Well, it was all a bunch of crap. It didn't make me feel better. It didn't fix shit. I only got this... weird feeling that something had ended that day. And yes, I was proud to defend the championship and carry it to Smackdown, but deep down myself I knew it was my anger driving me all along. I was doing it because I wanted to hurt you and your self-esteem. But I chose to do it in the worst moment, ‘cause you had finally achieved all that on your own after six months of rehab and hard work. And this made things even worse for me.

He takes a deep breath, inhaling the cold air around them, his sight lost somewhere beyond that place.

\- When Styles took the title from me later, I was no longer interested in keeping it, because you weren't the one to fight me for it. It had... lost its meaning, someway.

Dean is digging up memories Seth tried to bury deep down his mind during those years, because they remind him of a time their lives had to run in parallel, unable to cross at some point. And everything he is saying is reopening that wound, for it is exactly the same he used to feel back then. Dean was his kryptonite: something that made him ache, something that made him burn, something that hurt him painfully, but that at the same time belonged to his world. Dean  _was_  his world, it had always been like that for better or worse, whether they were friends or foes.

\- It was never about the championship itself, anyway – Dean goes ahead. – But I know how much you're different from me, boy, I know what you did to get that opportunity again. And I know what happened then. Don’t get me wrong, I was still mad at you for screwing up our friendship, but don't even think for a second I don't know what you went through. And somewhere deep down my fucked up mind, I've always thought I owed you one for that night at MITB...

Seth listens to him in utter silence. He is slowly realising the meaning behind Dean’s words, but he is too afraid to say it out loud. And then, the blond strikes the final blow, because at this point it’s double or nothing:

\- You deserved this shot to the universal title, Seth. I couldn’t allow you to miss this opportunity again. You worked hard for it, unlike Lesnar. You are the only one who can raise it over your head for Roman. And this time, no one will take it from you. No one. Did you hear me?

Seth is barely breathing. His lips are trembling when he finally opens his mouth and stammers:

\- You mean... that you destroyed our relationship and made me lose my championships just for me to go after the universal title? Is that what you’re telling me?!

\- You would have never done it if I didn’t leave that way and stripped you of those belts. I know you.

He can’t believe what Dean just said. This is an answer he wasn’t definitely prepared to listen to.

\- You… you are a crazy idiot!! – he yells, out of his mind.

\- As if you didn’t know it – the blond replies again with a shrug.

\- I… I fucking lost my mind because of you!! I spent entire nights crying for you!!

\- Oh well, now you know how it feels like.

The Iowan is a bundle of nerves, and Dean’s aloofness is driving him nuts even more. He can’t even form logical thoughts at the moment, except for curses.

\- Fuck you, Ambrose!! I…

But his sentence hangs, broken by a flood of tears. He throws himself upon Dean and starts punching his chest, his shoulders, his arms, rambling nonsense all over him, crying all his frustration out of his body and his soul. Dean clutches him, but he doesn’t fight him back, just like Seth did the night he snapped. He owes him that, too, and this time he is willing to take all the beating he deserves.

\- Who gave you the right?! Who gave you the right?!

Seth keeps crying desperately, shouting in Dean’s face all his rage, but the blond holds him steady, until his fury starts turning just into broken sobs. He lets go completely in Dean’s arms, like he never did before, grabbing his waist and hugging him back.

\- I  _had_  the right. I told you, I owed you one, Rollins.

Dean’s words are just a whisper, but it’s enough to calm Seth down eventually. Tears still stream down his face while he hides in the crook of his neck.

\- It’s okay, babe… it’s okay… - Dean keeps comforting him. He melts in that hug, sensing Seth’s warmth all over his body, lingering in it as long as he can: it felt like  _home_ , a feeling they both thought was lost forever.

When Seth pulls away a bit, their eyes finally meet again.

\- Dean… - the Iowan sniffles, wiping his tears - I’m sorry for all the terrible things I told you. I never thought for real you were a soulless lunatic. I don’t think you’re incapable of love, or that you don’t care about Roman... I...

\- Shhhh… – the blond interrupts him – it’s okay, Seth.

He doesn’t need apologies this time. But Seth has a burden to take off his chest too and he is going to do it, no matter what Dean will say.

\- I felt so… lost and hurt that I wanted to hurt you too. And maybe I wanted you to look bad in front of everybody, because you had rejected me that way.

\- Yeah, you wanted to get a reaction from me. C’mon babe, I told I know you.

\- I’m... I’m sorry that I didn’t understand how fucked up you were feeling when you came back. I guess I was too happy to have you again by my side to see it.

Dean swallows, looking at the floor, his stomach twitching at the idea of how Seth could feel when he dropped the bomb on him all of a sudden, during that night of months earlier.

\- You don’t need to apologise, Seth. I know how hard it can be to deal with an asshole like me.

\- Well, I can’t argue with that – Seth retorts, raising his brow. They look at each other again, and they can’t help bursting into another laughter, with their arms still entwined from before.

\- I said a lot of bad things as well, and I’m not proud of it – Dean admits when silence falls again between them, looking down as usual when he had something serious to say. But Seth isn’t in the mood anymore for reprimands.

\- Well, I hadn’t heard someone calling me a suck-up in a long time – he keeps smiling.

\- Fuck, I know I went too far that night. I felt like shit after it, especially when I saw you didn’t even reply – the blond says flipping his head to the other side. His guts tingle with guilt as he recalls the moment he came out during Seth and Triple H’s promo a few weeks earlier, interrupting their happy reunion with words of pure disdain.

\- I was… shocked – Seth tries to explain. – Not because of what you said, but for your reaction to that. I saw a glimpse of the Ambrose I used to know, and for a moment… I know it’s stupid, but… I don’t know, for a moment I had the illusion you wanted to take me away with you.

He smiles again shaking his head, as if what he just said was pure idiocy. Dean finally looks back at him, biting his lower lip.

\- The fact is, I actually _wanted_  to take you away with me, Seth. I swear to god, that was the only time in years I have been scared for real.

Seth looks back at him as well, furrowing his brow with an uncertain expression:

\- What do you mean?

The blond takes a deep breath, but a quiver in his voice eventually betrays the mess of feelings he kept hiding inside for the whole time:

\- We’ve been dealing with each other for... how long? And I know that despite what you always wanted to show the world, deep down your heart you’re still insecure as fuck. I know you still need validation, a lot of it, and it shows every time you address the audience. You always need someone by your side to pat your shoulder and tell you you’re doing well. You need to know someone has your back, whether it’s the crowd, or me, or Roman, or...

He stops in time before saying it, though. He is not going to mention the Authority anymore in his life, or the spiral of darkness Seth had fallen into years earlier, especially since the Iowan’s smile has faded as soon as he started talking.

\- Well – he swallows, going ahead - that night I was afraid Hunter would take advantage again of your insecurities to turn you once more into his golden boy for his own good. And this time with the approval of the whole WWE universe. You know me too, Seth… I might be a dick, but I wasn’t born yesterday. Seeing that snake hugging you and acting like a protective daddy after everything he did to you and  _to us_  drove me mad. I wanted to punch that ugly face so hard, I swear to god... – he pauses again to breathe and calm down, clenching his fist and slowly unclenching it back. - But hey, I don’t really think you’re a kissass, anyway.

Seth giggles instinctively at that last statement, and Dean follows him. He missed so much to laugh with his boy. And deep inside, he knows the other is not wrong: he needs someone to tell him constantly he isn’t fucking up this time. If only Dean knew how he wished _that someone_ was him, for the rest of his own existence.

\- Hunter ain’t gonna take anything from me anymore. I still don’t trust him, but I was glad he was finally seeing in me what he didn’t back then.

Dean nods in silence. He knows Seth won’t repeat the same mistakes, but at times he would keep him inside a little bubble to make sure he will be safe... even if this means beating the crap out of him. Seth pushes him softly with his shoulder to reassure him, because he knows exactly what he is thinking about; the blond glances at him and then shakes his head, smiling awkwardly.

\- Of all the things we should have said, we chose the worst ones, didn’t we? - Seth asks him rhetorically.

\- Yeah, - Dean replies - but this is how it works between us. We always make the worst choices. We’re dysfunctional.

Seth smirks, sighing wistfully:

\- Yeah... but I wouldn’t trade what I had with you with a trouble-free life for anything in the world.

Seth Rollins, straight to the heart. Dean always thought he could handle anything at that point, but the Iowan is proving him wrong once again. Never fall in love with your tag team partner, if his name is Seth Rollins.

He stares at him speechless, holding his breath. He may be great at promos, but he never managed to be a good speaker outside the ring, especially when it involved his own feelings. His hands move to both sides of Seth’s face, holding it gently between his fingers, bringing him closer. Eight years of life are flashing before his eyes: every punch, every hug, every slur, every time he screamed he loved him… everything eventually led them to that very moment, and even if it hurt like hell, in the end he could say it had been worth it.

Seth lets him handle his body without reacting, his eyelids blinking quickly to avoid tears to resurface. When he sat on those stairs earlier to wait for him, he didn’t think it would end up with them being in each other’s arms. He never thought it could happen ever again, if he has to be honest to himself.

He slowly parts his lips to let Dean in as their mouths make contact: it is not a heated kiss, unlike all those times they made out after a fight, or when they finally clashed onto each other after realising they had been in love all along. There is no shiver of lust running down their spine now, because this kiss is not just a kiss: it is a statement, a promise, a vow for the days to come, and slowly all the tension left in their muscles slips away, leaving room for nothing but peace. Nothing but that long lost feeling of  _home_.

Dean’s eyes are shut tight when they eventually part, his hands still cupping Seth’s face. The Iowan rubs his nose on his bearded cheek, softly, and then rests his forehead on his, losing his gaze into blue irises while they lace their fingers together.

\- I love you, Dean-o.

\- I love you too,  _sourpuss_  – the blond says back with a little smirk, finally able to pronounce that moniker with light heart. – You’re the only one in this fucking world who ever made me feel complete… ya know, my…

He gestures vaguely, looking at the other for some help with words. Seth grins, blushing and lowering his eyes, but after a couple of seconds he raises them back on him, completing his sentence:

\- … your  _wrestling soulmate_.

\- Yeah, exactly - Dean mutters, blushing in turn with his dorky smile. It was true: Seth was both his nemesis and his other half, that's why they immediately clicked when they met for the first time during their days in FCW, where everything began.

They both lean forward, eyes and fingers locked, to kiss each other once more. It’s still sweet, yet more physical this time, to the point that Seth can feel the goosebumps back on his skin, and the soft moan escaping from Dean’s mouth tells him he is feeling the same.

When the blond eventually pulls away, he can’t help brushing his thumb on Seth’s wet lips. Old habits are hard to die. The Iowan’s eyelids are half closed, and his head follows the other’s movements as if he was in a comfortable state of trance. But tonight Dean is not there to stay.

He silently stands on his feet again, helping himself with the railing of the stairs. Seth watches him as he puts his hoodie back on, his mind slowly coming back to reality: he tried to buy time for them, but he couldn’t change the fact that Dean was leaving anyway.

\- You ain’t going for real, are you?

He hates how he is sounding so desperate. But  _he is_  desperate. A tear runs down his cheek unexpectedly, and this time he couldn’t do anything to escape it.

\- Don’t cry – Dean dodges the question, turning his eyes away to avoid feeling like shit at the sight. – You’re so beautiful when you smile.

\- We deserve another run after all this suffering, Dean… don’t leave again, please…

Seth instinctively grabs his hand, and Dean can’t do anything but hold it tight. He was never big for farewells, and the idea of leaving Seth is killing him, but it’s too late to change his mind by now.

\- C’mon, babe. We will always have the Barclay Center - he says with a sad smirk, recalling that day of two years earlier when they won the tag team titles for the first time. His favourite match of his life ever, and probably the most meaningful, too. But Seth’s tears have no brakes anymore: he is losing him once again the moment he had him back, and nothing can soothe his pain right now, not even knowing he was part of the most important moment of Dean’s career as a wrestler. 

He addresses him one last, hopeless question as sobs keep shaking his chest:

\- Dean... what will I do without you?

The blond has already moved his first steps towards his car, trying not to break under the weight of his decision, but he stops one last time to look straight into Seth’s eyes, and tells him with his softest smile:

\- You’re gonna be a great Universal Champion.

 

**Author's Note:**

> The headcanon this fic is based on has been buzzing in my mind since the beginning of Dean and Seth's last feud. When Dean eventually stepped in the ring to wish Seth good luck against Lesnar, it made ends meet, because it was the last piece of the puzzle I needed to make it work.  
> I didn't mean to erase the last Shield reunion, but I wanted to save what could be saved of all that painful mess between them and give myself a reason for it, because even if it was unnecessary and mistimed, that angle had the potential to bring them both to a WM main event, if only the cards had been played well.  
> Also, I wish they had the guts to go deeper into the Dean’s mental disorders thing instead of hinting at it and eventually dropping it for a nonsense booking. But the story is over and I’m tired of crying about how wwe is awful.


End file.
